iTeach Sex ed
by HeyBulldogProductions
Summary: When Carly, Sam and Freddie's health teacher gets fired who will step in? Possibly a 28 year old 180 pound spazzy artist?
1. Chapter 1

_**iTeach Sex Ed**_

(Spencer's POV)

I was eating oatmeal in my duckie robe and slipper combo and watching Oprah, waiting for Carly and her friends who never hang out at their own homes, to arrive. Yes, I well aware it's 2:46, I'm undressed, eating a breakfest food and watching Oprah, but I was bored! My boredom was cured when the 3 teens entered the scene. They all looked rather glum.

"Hey kiddos" I said turning off the TV and making my way to the kitchen to rinse out my bowl.

"Hey." They all mumbled dropping their backpacks on the floor and flopping on the couch. Sam didn't even go over to the fridge to raid it for ham. Something was up.

"Okay guys, I KNOW something's up. Why so glumpish?" I asked leaning against the counter. Carly got up and made herself a glass of ice tea.

"Our health teacher Mr. Dover got fired today." She said sadly.

"Why?"

"His name was deemed 'innapropirate to be working with children with' or some lame chizz like that." Sam stated drinking a waterbottle.

"Well what was his first name."

"Ben." Freddie stated.

"...I don't get it..."

"Ben...Ben Dover" Freddie said spacing it out. Why wou-

"Ohhhhhhh..." I said. They all nodded.

"He was the best." Sam stated. "He always made the most innapropriate jokes, made me laugh, that's for sure" Sam chuckled to herself.

"But now they're looking to hire a teacher. If they don't find one by the end of the week then they're making Miss Briggs our teacher." Carly said. The 3 shudder simultaneously.

"Blech, if she's our teacher and makes us watch her and Mr. Howard for a demonstration I'm gonna barf on someone." Sam said. Freddie looked like he was going to puke and Carly closed her eyes and tired to get the image out of her head.

"Hey...why don't I do it?" I suggested. The 3 of them looked at me as if I announced I was pregnant with Chinease twins.

"You? A health teacher?" Carly questioned.

"Yeah...I know about health...and stuff" I shurgged. Carly gave me the you're-freaking-kidding-me-right-now look.

"Well...he would be better than Miss Briggs." Freddie said trying to lift up the mood.

"And Spencer would make an awesome teacher!" Sam added eating some bacon out of bag (one that Freddie most likely had ready for her).

"...Fine...but you BETTER not embaress me." Carly said pointed her index finger at me.

"No worries kiddo. You kids just call me Mr. Spencer."

...

I passed the interview with Mr. Franklin and got the job! It was my first day and Ted showed me to my classroom, Room 38B. I dressed in my old business suit I had for law school. Of course complimented with Tyler's awesome tie!

"This is your classroom, your keys and here are the lesson plans for this month" He handed me keys and a very heavy folder.

"Thanks Ted, what am I teaching the kids about? First-aid? Nurtition?" I smiled hoping it'd be something easy.

"Sex." He said closing the door behind him.

"Oh...that's easy...did he say SEX!" I opened the door and yelled down the hallway.

"Hey! I did NOT sign up for this!" I threw my keys on the floor dramaticly. I sighed, picking them up and sitting on the top of a desk.

"Sex...when I said I hope it's something easy I didn't mean literally" I muttered to myself **(A/N: Bad Puns FTW!)**

(1 hour later)

The first bell rang and all the kids piled into the room. I scanned around. Of course Carly, Sam and Freddie were in this class together. There were a few more faces I recognized. Gibby and Wendy were there as well. I sheepishly wrote my name on the board.

"Hello children, my name is Mr. Spencer, I'm the replacement they hired until they can find a more perminate teacher. Today...we...will be learning...about...sex." I stopped talking. Some of the kids giggled, some looked scared to the death and the rest looked mortified.

"I know, I said the bug 'S' word! Oh my god!" I said dramaticly. Some of the kids laughed.

"Anyway, I'm no master of the subject but I've sat through "Mean Girls" with Carly many times so here's what I have to say..." Before I spoke I noticed Carly sinking down into her seat muttering 'Please don't say it!'

"Don't have sex...because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missonary position, don't have sex standing up...just don't do it promise?" I pulled out a box that was left underneath the desk. It was a box of condoms.

"Ok, now everyone take some rubbers." I shook the box and each kid shyly came up and took one. Some took their out and studied it, others stuffed it in their pockets ashamed.

"Now...does anyone have any questions about sex? Any question in this room stays in this room, got it?" A chubby red haired girl shyly raised her hand.

"Yes?" She stood up.

"Ok, so I people think I'm not a virgin, because I use super jumbo tampons, but that's only because I have a heavy flow and a wide set vagina. How do I get people to stop assuming I'm not a virgin?" I can NOT believe I was just asked this question.

"Become a non-virgin?" I shurgged. My voice went into an octave higher than I intended and kids laughed. Freddie raised his hand.

"Yes, Freddo?"

"Does loosing your virginity hurt? And what's this G-spo-" He was interrupted by Sam coughing very loudly and giving him a glare.

"Nevermind about the second question...just the first one."

"F-from what I've heard, yes it does hurt. Because you've never used that bodypart necessarily for that purpose. Like my current girlfriend Kristen after our first time together, she said she could barely walk." I looked at Carly again. She kept looking for ways to escape the room and run away to Tokyo by now.

"Ok, and can you get a girl pregnant the fir-" Sam punched him in the arm and raised her hand.

"I have a non-nubbish question, if you don't mind."

"Yes?"

"What's the best way to say...do it in the shower?" She said smirking at Freddie, who was in pain and now looking mortified at her question.

"Next!" Gibby raised his hand.

"Yes Gibby?"

(20 minutes later)

Gibby kept asking question after question about each step of sex and how it's preformed in detail. He even asked me what an orgy was! How do I explain to a 15 year old an orgy is NOT having sex while making a sandwich like he thought.

"Anything else?" I asked about ready to snap.

"One more question...what's a condom used for?" I groaned and sat down, putting my head on my desk. This was going to be a LONG month.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

I chose more casual clothing for my second day, because the air conditioning at the school hadn't been repaired since I was a student at Ridgeway. Just because I was assigned to teach sex ed didn't mean I needed to feel the role by becoming sweaty and sticky in my suit. Speaking of uncomfortable, Carly hasn't looked in me in the eye since yesterday, and breakfast was served in almost complete silence.

"Do you need the money that bad?" she finally asked when we were on our way to the school.

"You know what our allowance is from Dad..."

"But it's humiliating! I wouldn't even let you have 'the talk' with me alone, and now you're giving it to my entire class!"

She said it as if there's nothing else I'd rather teach.

"I signed a contract, or trust me..."

Carly very distinctly rolled her eyes in the corner of my vision.

"You've told me a millions times that there's always loopholes!"

Carly pointed an accusing finger as we arrived in the parking lot.

"Maybe I can excuse you from the unit?"

"The alternate is a huge research assignment. And it won't change the fact that my older brother is teaching my best friends about s...things!"

She walked away before I got a chance to respond, and I let her maintain a good lead before I followed the path into Ridgeway.

The classroom was only half full when I entered it, so I took a seat to wait on the others. A couple students filed in as time for class approached. One short boy with brown hair who was wearing thick glasses paused in front of my desk on his way in.

"Mr. Spencer, is it true that if I follow my urges..."

My eyes shifted and I could have swore I felt my armpits moisten.

"Maybe you'd like to discuss this with uh...anyone else."

"But...but the gym teacher in the movie said I'll get chlamydia...and die!"

He commented loud enough that the students already in the classroom overheard and were snickering. I reached over to the top drawer to my left, pulled it open, and shoved some condoms at the traumatized teen.

"Use these...just don't ask me how!"

After he walked away the warning bell sounded and the rest of the class poured in, including the usual suspects who called the loft their second home. I cleared my throat and attempted to calm everyone down.

"Um so...today my plan tells me we're supposed to talk about STDs or STIs. Does anyone not know what they are?"

I shut my eyes and prayed nobody's hand would be raised when I opened them. None were.

"Alrighty then. Let's talk about AIDS first."

"Nobody here's gonna get that friendly with monkeys!" a lanky, blonde-haired boy from the back row exclaims.

There were a few chuckles heard throughout the classroom, and I couldn't blame them.

"Anyway...AIDS comes from HIV, which is transmitted through body fluids. There's no cure yet and..."

"Was Syphilis really ripped off from the name of the pop star, Liley Cyphylrus?" Rodney asked, interrupting me.

"I think Syphilis is older than pop music," I explained while I attempted to collect my thoughts again.

"Will listening to pop music make me horny?" Gibby whispered loudly to his neighbor, who unfortunately happened to be the one and only Sam Puckett.

I stood frozen and expected the very worst to happen, but my sister grabbed the back of Sam's shirt roughly just in time to prevent her from executing an effective choke-hold. I overheard pieces of their dialogue as Carly scolded her best friend.

The attention returned up front as I noticed eyes looking at me expectantly, and in the near silence I could hear the ever-increasing rhythm of my heartbeat. I found refuge in a paper-clipped pile of papers in the corner of my desk.

"Would anyone like to volunteer to pass these out?"

Wendy raised her hand and I gestured for her to retrieve the stack.

"Is this homework?" a girl with purple and red-streaked hair asked with a sigh.

The room filled with groans from the other students when they realized she might be right.

"No. There's no homework this week, but there will be a group project halfway through the unit. The paper talks about how you and your partner can get tested for STDs."

A raised hand appeared around the center of the room and I dreaded the next question before it came.

"Yes?"

"Does getting tested hurt?"

"Uh I...I dunno. I've never had any...um...tests," I grumbled truthfully.

"OMG! Mr. Spencer might have rabies!" Gibby cried across the room while ripping his shirt off, and he proceeded to run in circles around the desks frantically.

I could see Carly bury her head into her hands at her desk, clearly embarrassed again, and I thanked the lord when the bell signaling the end of class sounded. As soon as Gibby rounded the front corner of the desks again he continued in a sprint directly out of the classroom as his peers looked on incredulously.

There was so much not right with that boy.


	3. Chapter 3

_**iTeach Sex Ed**_

(Spencer's POV)

After Freddie, Rodney and Wendy retrived Gibby from the hallway (According to them, they found him in to corner making balloon animals out of condoms) We got crackin' on who was getting paired up for this project.

"Alright, I put you guys with partners that I think suited you best. I placed more motivated and hardworking students with those who aren't _as _motivated. Also you will be placed in opposite sex pairs." I grabbed the clipboard next to me and started naming off students.

"Rodney and Wendy, Sebastin and Laura, Carly and Gibby, Scott and Jennette, Holleh and Nathan, Kyle and Rose, Lucy and David, Parker and Trina, Toby and Michelle and last but not least, Sam and Freddie" I checked off the last of the names. I heard an abrupt slamming on the desks. The 2 teens stood up, horrified.

"What! Why!" They asked simultaneously. They glared at one another then focused back on me.

"Why did you set me up with this nub?" Sam asked pointing to Freddie.

"Because, you guys are friends and I figure Freddie could help you adjust your attitude a little." Freddie chuckled. Sam gave him the death glare which immediately terminated his gigglefits.

"At least it's better than working with balloon animal condom boy." I heard Sam mutter as she took her seat.

"Anyway, halfway through the unit you will have to present this project with your partner. It's an in-class research assignment so there's no homework, granted you work hard. The only thing you must preform outside of class is getting your STD test done. There is a clinic located next to BF wangs on the west side of Seattle." I started passing out the rubric and parent/guardian signature sheets.

"You must being these back signed by Friday, this sheet tells me whether your parent or legal guardian either can or cannot take you to the clinic." I saw a couple of kids look at the rubric as I talked. The bell rang, thank god! The kids scattered out of the room except for Carly, Sam, and Freddie.

"Look, I know you guys aren't in love with this project idea, but it's either that or loads of homework and worksheets." I sat at my desk and started looking through some papers...

...

When I got back to the apartment I flopped on the couch, relieved.

"Spencer Shay!" Wow, that was a long R&R time (not!). I sat up to a frantic looking Mrs. Benson. She could've knocked.

"How can I help you?" She thrashed the signature sheet I passed out during the kids health class today about the STD testing. Oh boy!

"What is the meaning of this? I know my little Fredward does NOT have STD's or STI's!"

"Calm down Mrs. Benson, they're getting tested JUST to see how people who really do have STD's or STI's would get tested." She let out a small sigh of relief.

"Good, so it's just for a project?"

"100%"

"Ok, and...I know you wouldn't do this but, are you showing any of the kids pornographic images?"

"Of course not!" I shot up defensivly. She held her hands up.

"I was just asking!" She scurried out of the apartment. Relieved once again I slumped back down on the couch. Hoping to get a moment of slumber.

"Pst...Spencer...is she gone?" A voice whispered from behind the counter.

"Yeah, she is...where are you mysterious whispering person?" I asked. Freddie slowly rose from behind the counter.

"Why are you avoiding your mom?" I looked at Freddie, who gave me a I-think-you-know-why look.

"She's freaking out about this whole testing thing. She actually thinks I have STD's and am not a vrigin anymore." I patted his shoulder.

"Ahhh, well I know that's not true. You're still a virgin."

"..."

"Right?"

"Welll..."

"You're not a virgin!"

"Does doing it on a boat count?"

"Of course it does!"

"Oh...then I guess I'm not."

"Who was it?"

"What?"

"Who'd you have sex with?" Freddie, still not looking me in the eye was about to answer when Carly popped in.

"Hey guys!" She greeted cheerfully. Sam was right behind her eating a drumstick.

"What goes on?" She asked with a handful of chicken meat in her mouth.

"We'll discuss this later" I mumbled before going into my room.


	4. Chapter 4

_**iTeach Sex Ed**_

(Spencer's POV)

For the past month the kids were doing their projects in class with their partners. Poor Carly unfortionately must work with Gibby, who's obsessed with talking about gonorrhea non-stop. She always asks me why when we get home. Not 'why is Gibby my partner?' or 'why are you the teacher?' just 'why?'.

Another thing has been bugging me this month too. Ever since Freddie said he lost his virginity, I keep wondering who. It can't be Carly, I know that much. Sam would probably kill him so she's out. And those were the only 2 girls I could think of. Maybe I don't know her. As the bell rang to dismiss the class I called for Freddie to stay behind. Even though he knows me quite well, he still had that 'oh no, I'm in trouble the teacher told me to stay behind' look.

"Please sit." I gestured towards the front desk. He sat slowly and kept shifting his eyes.

"Freddie, you know me very well. Anything you tell me stays between you and me unless you say otherwise. Last month you told me you lost your virginity. Just between us guys, who was it?"

"Well, before I tell you who it was. I have to tell you the story of that night."

"I'm listening." I told him. I leaned back in my chair and loosened my tie. He took a deep breath in and gulped.

"Remember the night of Wendy's party? Well, her family owns a yahct. The SS Imperial. Anyway, I went to the party with Carly and Sam, as you know. Sam threw her drink at me within the first 5 minutes of the party so I told her she was walking home. There were probably 100 kids there partying it up. The DJ started playing and I met a few girls, Sam scared them all away of course. So while dancing with Carly and Gibby, he pulls out this box of cookies. Sam swiped them before he could get a word in. Anyway, the slow dance came up. Gibby danced with Carly and Sam was eating the cookies. I sat over with her when she offered me the cookies. We ended up eating the whole box together. And after that...I dunno. She seemed less irritating. By the end of the night things got pretty instense between us. We happen to stumble into the yahcts private bedroom and...everything else was a blurr. Until I got home and I had a pair of "I 3 Vegas" panties in my jacket. Those cookies I found out later by Gibby were to get people 'in the mood'. They worked that's for sure." He nervously chuckled.

I was in shock. I cannot even wrap my head around the information I was just given.

"Y-you better get to your next class. I'll write you a pass." I grabbed for the pass pad. Freddie's phone rang.

"Hello?...No way! I-I'll be right there." He hung up the cellphone and sprung up.

"Spence, Carly called and said Sam fell in the hallway. She didn't say how but there's lots of blood!"

"Ok! You run out there and I'll call 911." I dialed 911 fastly. I sure hoped Sam was alright. She was like a little sister to me.

...

Since I was the only adult around, I got to go with Sam in the ambulance. Carly and Freddie were still worried. I told them I would update them every hour when she got settled. I sat next to Sam who was hooked up to IV's in her hospital bed.

"Spence, am I gonna be ok?" She asked shakily. I never heard Sam sound so...weak.

"You'll be fine kiddo. You took quite a spill there. What happened?"

"Well, I was walking down the stairs and I saw Gibby and owed him a Texas wedgie. So I ran down the stairs and I must've tripped or something."

"For falling that was a lot of blood. But it only exited out of your...well y-you know." She nodded.

"Yeah, that area. I wonder why." I shrugged as the doctor came in with a clipboard.

"Well Miss Puckett, I have some harsh news. I'm afraid you suffered a miscarrige from the impaction of falling down the stairs. You'll be released later today. I'm so sorry for your loss." The doctor walked out of the room as Sam and I sat there with our mouths wide open.

"M-miscarrige? Wait, if I had a miscarrige that means I was p-"

"Hey guys!" Carly greeted peppily holding some flowers.

"Hola senior and senorita." Freddie also greeted.

"Hi." Sam answered blankly.

"You ok? You seem...sad?" Carly asked sitting on the bed next to Sam and patting her hand.

"I'm fine, just a little hungry." Sam laughed.

"Of course." Freddie remarked.

"So, what'd the doc have to say?"

"Just that I took a bad spill and need to be more careful. I get out tonight though."

"Aww that's good. Tell ya what, I'll run out and grab you some fatcakes from the store across the street. Be back soon!" Carly grabbed her wallet and sprinted out of the room. Sam laughed as Freddie stood on the other side of the room. For just loosing a baby, Sam's taking it well. But she didn't know she was pregnant so I suppose she wouldn't be that hurt by it. He came over and sat in the same spot Carly just did.

"Feeling any better?"

"I guess." She shrugged. She looked over at me. She knows she should tell him. By the look I gave her, she knows he has to find out eventually. Better sooner than never.

"Freddie...there's something I have to tell you."

"I'm listening."

"Well when I fell, I lost a lot of blood from a certain...female area."

"Oh...Ohhhh. Gotcha." He nodded uncomfortably.

"Anyway, I didn't know why until the doctor came in."

"What'd he say?" Freddie asked shifting his position a little bit to face Sam more. I crossed my arms and leaned against the wall. My heart slightly racing as she told hom the next sentence.

"Freddie, he told me I had a miscarrige." Her voice shook slighty and her lip quivered as she said the word miscarrige. Freddie looked at her for a moment.

"Wait, I thought to be able to have a miscarrige you had to be p-...Oh no." She nodded.

"And you were the first and only guy I've done it with." A tear rolled down her face. I saw Freddie's lip quiver and he shead a tear similar to Sam. Then he pulled her into a hug as she sobbed quietly into his shoulder. This isn't the Sam I know. Normally if Freddie ever hugged her she'd beat the buttermilk out of him later. I guess there are exceptions to everything. And this is one of those times.

...

**(A/N: Sorry to all the non-Seddie shippers reading this fic. I thought this would make a good polt-twist and answer the cliffhanger question. The rest of the chapters aren't this shippy and they aren't exclusively Seddie either. Some Creddie, Cibby and Sibby will appear later.)**


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